What am I missing?

Every now and again I experience the blues. You know what I mean. You just don't feel right...low energy, lack of motivation, frustration. Is it work, the kids, the Cubs losing again?  Quickly you recognize it really isn't any of those things but you still can't figure out what it is..."THE BLUES"! I have a system I have developed to help me through these times that you may find helpful. Several colleagues and friends have said it has worked for them too! It is a combination of a brief "life inventory" and a GPS recalculation!  I have to use my life as an example. Often when I get down it may manifest itself as work or home stress but I have found that what it really is comes from something missing in my life at that time.  I am sure it is different based on each person but for me if I am not working out (competitive outlet), reading the bible (or if I have to miss church services), or I have not been able to have quality time with my wife and kids I enter the blues! Now, if 2 out of 3 of those things are going well I can still deal with life's curve balls pretty well.  But if 2 or more are missing I quickly find myself walking under grey skies!  Understanding this I am able to quickly determine which areas I am deficient in 99% of the time and then I switch to my personal GPS and "RECALCULATE"!  I develop a plan, mentally or in writing, as to how I will regain balance in those needed areas.  For me, it works almost every time and I am able to "snap out of it".  The blues will never stop coming for us but I am much better at minimizing the time it takes to jump back to terra firma!  Please, if the blues do not go away, consider seeking professional assistance. I have had to do that too and it was one of the smartest things I have ever done.  I hope this is helpful as life can be so trying at times!  Share your own methods and let me know if my system proves beneficial to you or someone you love!

They are listening! Keep the balance!

Let's be honest if you are a parent, you have thought at least once that your child does not hear you at all. I have and truth be told sometimes they are just not listening. But, just about the time you think you know for sure when they are listening and when they are not the prove you wrong. I believe it is less important that we, as fathers, know for sure when they hear us and when they don't, than understanding that we should assume they are all the time for safety sake. Usually this conversation leads to dialogue about the episodes of cussing or ranting that we thin goes unheard only to hear from mom, "guess what your son said to the baby sitter today!?!?!" My worst nightmare. But other times we find that something we say that seems innocuous is internalized by our children in the most positive way. From the day my children go to school I begin telling them on a daily basis, "Work hard, play hard". I believe strongly that it is important to do both. With my children this utterance follows a definitive value statement that goes something like this: I expect you to be a good person first, a good student/citizen second and a good athlete/musician/cook...third! I wanted them to really HEAR that message from their father. I added work hard, play hard as a throw in to help remember the discussion in an easy manner. Here is what happened. As my oldest son began applying for college he faced the onerous task of writing college application essays. This is something I never had to do. I have never been over involved in my children's "business". But, I was curious about these essays. I asked Sean if I could see what he wrote and he obliged. The essay title...."Work Hard, Play Hard" Goose bumps, humility, pride, disbelief..all words that describe my immediate reaction. I read the essay and quickly discovered that this phrase I "threw in" seemed to make an impact. This sentence was what he decided was the essence of his moving from HS student to college student. I was humbled by his words! However, the most powerful sense I had was that my child was paying attention, attention at a level I never expected. Lesson, we have a huge responsibility to be thoughtful in the words we share with our children. We need to default, "they are listening" to hold us to the utmost accountability for the words we choose. They won't hear it all but we never really know when they are completely dialed in. Lesson, we need to talk to our children. We must not assume they know are values, we must share them. Don't assume they don't care, they care in away that is almost impossible for them to communicate! Lastly, speak lovingly with the expectation that it is the most important message we can deliver!

Balancing Act!

Remember the old-fashioned TV variety shows? One in particular had a man who spun plates on flexible poles. He would start one spinning, then another, another..then one would begin to fall and he would run back and spin it again and keep adding plates to poles as long as he could. I remember being truly entertained! (Guess it didn't take much!) Balancing "LIFE" is even more difficult. As a father it has always been important to me to make the concept of balance a major priority for my children. This has been successful to varying degrees, but remains a major focus of my parenting scheme!  It began as a simple transition when dropping Sean (my oldest) off at school. I wanted him to do his best academically, socially and individually. The only phrase that worked for me was "work hard, play hard". At the time I wasn't sure if it would sink in. Nonetheless, I continued using the phrase with Sean, Ryne, and Aubrey (kids 2 and 3) and will use it again with Jacob and Joshua (kids 4 and 5). How do we know if it is sinking in?  I wasn't even thinking about that when I first uttered the words. Then Sean started writing college application essays. He did not need my help but he used my words. He titled an essay...wait for it..."Work Hard, Play Hard". He explained how it had resonated with him and how he thought it would play forward as a college level student! I had no idea he had ever thought about it beyond the fact that it was how we left each other early on school day mornings. I believe that for him and my other children this has become a mantra of BALANCE!  Do your best in all areas..WITHOUT DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY!  Find your own mantra, teach it to your children with the confidence that it will guide them even when you can't say it to them directly. As we get older it turns around as sage advise for our own lives. Age with the concept of work hard. play hard and reap the benefits of a harmonious. productive lifestyle!

I Need a Hero!

Today the term hero is overused and misunderstood!  It is my belief that a hero is somebody who does something above and beyond the call of duty for an individual specifically. As a child I claimed Roberto Clemente as a hero. Don't get me wrong, he was heroic to many and is admirable for sure. But, in reality, as i reflect, he was not really a hero to me, he was just the best baseball player I had ever seen!  My heroes, looking back were actually few in number. My father Gary has and always be a hero to me. That is not to slight my mom or any other family member, but truth be told he was my only true hero. He could not always be where I was however, so there were times when I counted on a "situational hero" based on the above definition.  As a 6 year old (I am estimating my age at this point) mu Uncle took me to Adler Pool, the local swimming hang out! Not only was I a bad swimmer but big kids scared me and there were only big kids there that day.  As Pavlov's dogs would have it, when I swim, I pee!  I left the pool to go to the showers, assumed the position, and did my business. In the way out 3 older boys thought it hilarious to make fun of my underwear. Honestly, they very well could have been worthy of ridicule. But, that day I was humiliated. Went back to the pool where my Uncle Joe could tell I was affected. He asked me what happened and embarrassed, I told him. "Follow me", he insisted. Nervous I walked with him back to the locker area. "It was them, wasn't it?"  I told him it was.  I thought he must be crazy, there were 3 of them. But something happened.  He walked within arms distance of all 3. He said, " Obviously you did not know this was my nephew or you would have never done this!"  The quickly apologized to him first then explained to me that they didn't know I was Joe's nephew and quickly left the showers.  Joe said, "let's go swim."  We did!  I don't know what it was about him and don't really care. That day, that moment I needed a "father figure" and he played that role wonderfully. He stood up to bullies, made me feel safe, and definitely went above and beyond the call of duty.  As an adult I realize that I have 2 heroes...my dad, and Jesus Christ.  But, I will never forget that on that day my uncle was a hero to me. I hope that in working with thousands of children over the last 25 years I may have been a "situational hero" for some youngster.  I challenge all of you to be that hero to somebody, every day!  Never be a bystander, be an upstander. Know that we make choices every single day in how we approach the children in our community.  You never know when one of them is counting  on you to be heroic!

Just a Sentence

Sometimes Nicole and I argue. I guess that makes us like every other married couple. It drives us crazy, the kids crazy because it is usually one of us just "out-stubborning" the other!  However, as a father, husband, and a person who has always believed in "holding up a mirror" before blaming others, I tend to be very reflective.  Nicole would definitely say that I am over reflective as I "never let anything go"! She is right! As a former math teacher (yes, I will blame this on math) I always need to know "why" something goes the way it does.  I say it is to avoid repeating those things in the future. My dad said it drove him crazy as well!  Hard-wired by God, my heavenly Father, I have had to learn to deal with my driving those I love the most crazy!  Anyway, as I reflected on a recent argument, I had a revelation. I was explaining to Nicole, during our little spat, that I have been trying very hard to be sure, through words, that she knew how beautiful I think she is.  She is unbelievably beautiful and I was definitely trying hard to be sure she knew that!  She said, "Those are just sentences." Not gonna lie, that hit me hard at first. But, upon further review it gave me affirmation on the following perspective.  The combination of words I chose to tell her how beautiful she is are, in fact, just sentences. In  the big picture, that can hold true on anything we say to others we love.  What I want to suggest is simple.  Unsaid, the chosen words say nothing at all and that is, as my good friend Jim Higley says in his upcoming book,"Bobblehead Dad, 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I knew", is 'the worst thing to say'.  It is far more important to share with loved ones all that make us love them than to say nothing at all!  I hold on to the sentences from my children. parent, friends, family, and my wife that affirm the reasons they have for loving me. I will never forget them (course I do have trouble letting things go!)  Nicole, I am sorry for the stupidity of some of our "to-dos" but I will never stop telling you that you are beautiful!  I love you.