How Didn't That Happen??

I am a firm believer that if you want to be relevant in all that you do, you must truly pay attention.  I also believe that it is typically easier to pay attention to those things that you have  passion form; thus easier to pay attention to those same things. But, come on people, I know that I am not the only person that has a passion for certain things that just don't get done! These are things that you think about, feel strongly about but still do not get done or at least are not done consistently. Let me share.
I ama firm believer in Jesus Christ. I am a firm believer that, in that belief, I have both opportunity and responsibility. When I live like I believe I accomplish several specific things:
1.  I set a good example
2.  I feel GOOD about myself
3.  I keep situations from escalating
4.  I minimize the number of things I have to apologize for

But, when I allow myself to act in ways that are not consistent with my true beliefs I do tremendous damage to:

1. my own credibility
2. my most important relationships
3. movement in others toward God's kingdom

My desire is to be capable of acting the RIGHT way no matter how others choose to act. That I do not act differently than I expect myself to be,  That in doing the right thing I allow others to see that there is a different way to relate, engage and make a difference.  I know people who have found a way to do just that. I find that I admire those people routinely. However, I truly struggle in this area.  I find myself very capable of breaking my own rules when others show that they will play outside the rules.  EMBARRASSING!  I know better, and am more intelligent than that. I need to take every opportunity provided to demonstrate self-control, unconditional love, and mercy to those I love the most, my wife and my children.  Until I am able to do that I must be very careful NOT to judge them by different standards than I myself live by. When I make this transformation, I can change my expectation. With God's hand, I will become a better man and a better agent to His desires!

What is taking so long?

In my role as husband, father, and educator I have had many occasions to invest in people. I truly enjoy the fulfillment that comes from helping someone in need. That said, there are times when I have provided such assistance with love, kindness and attention to detail only to observe little or no change in the individual who received my advice, time, or supposed wisdom. Often they were grateful for my help, nodding their head in acknowledgement of the insight or intelligence shared and a knowing smile that shouted, "That makes perfect sense!'  Days, months, maybe a year maybe four years later, same person needing the same help. UUGGHHH! Did I help or didn't I??
When you teach students at the elementary level you learn over time that the help you provide a child or a class may not manifest itself until after they have left you at year's end or maybe not even until their early adult years. They come back and say, "Mr. Clement, remember when you found me crying at my locker and you stopped, put your arm around me and told me you would stay with me until I was better?"  On the day I did stop at this young lady;s locker she was none-to-thrilled that I had stopped and I believe asked me with an expletive to leave her alone! I chose not to and 8 years later I get the "thank you" and a chance to hear how that event affected her life moving forward.
With our children, we tell them certain things repeatedly "for their own good" only to have to tell them the same thing over and over again, wondering the entire time why they just aren't listening. Then they grow up, move out, come back for a holiday dinner and share your exact words,verbatim! They not only listened, but heard!
And with our spouses we all try to make adjustments on the fly as our lives change, children come, money flows in and flows out, and our personal needs change.  If we are lucky we can honestly share our needs and trust that our significant other will honestly and lovingly complement us throughout our life changes.  But, we may not see immediate results that match the words that are spoken. This can be frustrating and may cause people to pull away from the loved one they have committed their life too.
No matter the relationship or situation in question I would like to point you to the amazing story of the Chinese Bamboo tree. In the first five years of the life of a well cared for and loved bamboo tree sprout you will see virtually no growth. But what you won't see is the amazing root growth going on below the surface of the earth during that time period. A root growth necessary to allow, when it is time, for that tree to blossom and grow to incredible heights. After year 5 the tree will grow approximately 3 feet per year, up to 90 feet high!  Patience and perseverance that pays off.
Your challenge: wherever you are investing your time and attention, remember whatever you put into a person may not manifest itself in individual growth during the time you provide it. It may take months or years for the evidence of your love and caring to become palpable. But the end result just may be a stronger more independent person who is then able to reinvest themselves into others in a similar fashion!
Please take just a couple of minutes to view this video about the bamboo tree! God Bless.
www.youtube,com/watch?v=u9axslthfco

The Patriarch

There are a lot of really good Dad's out there working hard, loving their families and making a difference, Then there are "Patriarchs"!!  In my mind that title is akin to "Hall of Famer" in front of your name, in any sport. You see, the best of the best become Patriarchs. Not something you can study for, and just like hall of fame athletes', not something you can do in one day, or one "season".  That said. how fortunate are my children and I to be a part of the lives of 3 men who are definitively worth of the title Patriarch!
My wife.s grandfather, Ed Anenen is, no doubt, the Patriarch of the Anenen name.  A World War 2 Veteran, father of 5 and husband of 1 phenomenal woman, he has lived into his 90's with humility, high expectations, and a sense of humor to die for.  He sets a bar so high that very few could ever hope to reach it but anyone who reaches for it will finish better that they would have on their own.  My father-in-law, Paul Chapman is also worthy of the title. No man cherishes their children more than he does.  Hard worker,  selfless husband, and caring father are just some of the descriptors I would use to illustrate his core values! My dad, Gary Clement, come on, he had to deal with me for the last 47 years!! Truly, that could not have been an easy task. Today is his birthday and he is home, in the U.P. with mom and his brother's family. He is without question the patriarch of the Clement family. He has made a tremendous impact on the lives of me and my 2 sisters. He loves my wife and her family. But his endowment of "Patriarch" comes from his undying love and impact on his grandchildren.  It isn't something he did once, it is what he does always. He is amazingly trustworthy. That doesn't mean everyone always agrees with him but you will always know where you stand with him and will always know what to expect from him. He, without words, exudes an expectation of individual strength, inner trust, and achievement for each member of his family.  I for one tested those things over and over again!  Never, have I ever wondered what his expectations were. They have been the same since day 1 for me, my sisters and the grandkids...do your best, never embarrass the "Clement" name, and be good to others! Still working on all those things Dad!
Thanks to Ed, Paul, and Gary Clement for your selflessness, sacrifice, love, strength, unchanging expectations and for those things you have passed on to generations to come long after you have taken your rightful place on the Golden Highway!

Are You a Rule Follower? (How about your own rules??)

Apologies to my dad (who by the way has a birthday tomorrow!) as I am going to do my best to recall an event from long ago to the best of my ability. It is a warm weekend in Lake County, Illinois. I am somewhere between 5-8 years old. My dad is outside painting the house and I wanna help!! So, puffy chested, I walk outside and ask if I can help!  I am so excited when he responds, "Yes!".  The excitement wanes quickly when he tells me that I can go get him a rag from the garage so the he can clean up any unwanted drips.  I am obviously overqualified!  I want to help with the actual painting not schlep to the garage to fetch a rag!!  I dutifully retrieve the rag and then angrily walk back into the house before the indignation continues!! All kidding aside, I was ticked and to this day I remember that feeling. However, along the way, I did learn a few things. First, it really was a big help to him as he was on a roll and to not have to stop, get off the ladder, get the rag and go back up saved him valuable time. Second, I learned that if and when you ask someone if they need help, you have to be prepared to help then in the way they truly need to be helped, not necessarily the way you hoped to help them!

You see, helping someone should not be about the helper but about the "helpee"!!  This is true in the workplace, with a spouse, and even with your own children. I have been affected by this in both the helper role and the helpee role. I have been working with children as an educator for over 25 years, in addition I have 5 children of my own. As a teacher, I have offered to help many students and colleagues.  The intention is always good, the results not always great! Looking back, when I was truly helpful I asked "how can I help you?" rather than, "Here, let me show you!".  I have made the same error at times with my own children and my wife too.  The reality is we often use our own assumptions or history to define the manner in which SOMEONE else needs our help. You can get into big trouble relationally if you put a lot of effort into helping a loved one based on those assumptions rather than trustingly asking them what you can do to help. 

Recently I discovered that I had fallen prey to this trap with someone very important to me. Based on my own beliefs, and assumptions I spent 3 years trying to help a loved one and grew increasingly disappointed and resentful when my help was dismissed or less than life changing. Then, in a calm moment, more due to the frustration than intelligence, I asked that person to tell me what they needed to make things better.  The response spun me around like a revolving door on steroids. At the same time, things became very clear, My "helping" was causing extreme harm! It was having the reverse effect even though the intentions were still good. I had deepened a problem I was trying to resolve due to the horse blinders I had put on myself!   Fortunately, the blinders were completely discarded the moment I put the focus where it should have been! I gave that person a chance to LET ma be a help in the manner they most definitely needed. I am thrilled that I now have the chance to do what I wanted to do from the start, truly make a difference!

It is common sense, yet so easy to mess up. The golden rule here is to remember that if you are really interested in being helpful in any situation with anybody, take the moment to simply ask, "How can I help"?  If you don't ask yourself, "Is it more about helping me get what I want than helping the other get what they need?"

God bless and Happy Birthday Dad!

Are You a Rule Follower? (How about your own rules??)

Apologies to my dad (who by the way has a birthday tomorrow!) as I am going to do my best to recall an event from long ago to the best of my ability. It is a warm weekend in Lake County, Illinois. I am somewhere between 5-8 years old. My dad is outside painting the house and I wanna help!! So, puffy chested, I walk outside and ask if I can help!  I am so excited when he responds, "Yes!".  The excitement wanes quickly when he tells me that I can go get him a rag from the garage so the he can clean up any unwanted drips.  I am obviously overqualified!  I want to help with the actual painting not schlep to the garage to fetch a rag!!  I dutifully retrieve the rag and then angrily walk back into the house before the indignation continues!! All kidding aside, I was ticked and to this day I remember that feeling. However, along the way, I did learn a few things. First, it really was a big help to him as he was on a roll and to not have to stop, get off the ladder, get the rag and go back up saved him valuable time. Second, I learned that if and when you ask someone if they need help, you have to be prepared to help then in the way they truly need to be helped, not necessarily the way you hoped to help them!

You see, helping someone should not be about the helper but about the "helpee"!!  This is true in the workplace, with a spouse, and even with your own children. I have been affected by this in both the helper role and the helpee role. I have been working with children as an educator for over 25 years, in addition I have 5 children of my own. As a teacher, I have offered to help many students and colleagues.  The intention is always good, the results not always great! Looking back, when I was truly helpful I asked "how can I help you?" rather than, "Here, let me show you!".  I have made the same error at times with my own children and my wife too.  The reality is we often use our own assumptions or history to define the manner in which SOMEONE else needs our help. You can get into big trouble relationally if you put a lot of effort into helping a loved one based on those assumptions rather than trustingly asking them what you can do to help. 

Recently I discovered that I had fallen prey to this trap with someone very important to me. Based on my own beliefs, and assumptions I spent 3 years trying to help a loved one and grew increasingly disappointed and resentful when my help was dismissed or less than life changing. Then, in a calm moment, more due to the frustration than intelligence, I asked that person to tell me what they needed to make things better.  The response spun me around like a revolving door on steroids. At the same time, things became very clear, My "helping" was causing extreme harm! It was having the reverse effect even though the intentions were still good. I had deepened a problem I was trying to resolve due to the horse blinders I had put on myself!   Fortunately, the blinders were completely discarded the moment I put the focus where it should have been! I gave that person a chance to LET ma be a help in the manner they most definitely needed. I am thrilled that I now have the chance to do what I wanted to do from the start, truly make a difference!

It is common sense, yet so easy to mess up. The golden rule here is to remember that if you are really interested in being helpful in any situation with anybody, take the moment to simply ask, "How can I help"?  If you don't ask yourself, "Is it more about helping me get what I want than helping the other get what they need?"

God bless and Happy Birthday Dad!

I Second That Emotion!

Ok! Those of you who know me will say it is my age. Those of you who don't may "unfollow"! The truth is there are certain things that are sure to draw my emotions. Currently those things manifest themselves in places that are hard for me to admit...you know...American Idol, America's Got Talent, and once 2 weeks ago it was while watching 10 minutes of Minute to Win It!?!  Yes, tears, TEARS!  It really wasn't the 11 year old young lady with the big voice who did not make it past the top 10 in America's Got Talent, or the singer on American Idol who's beautiful wife was disfigured in an awful accident, or even the former USC Trojan on Minute to WIn It who lost control of his emotions when his mother called into the show to wish him well!  I find, at the ripe old age of 47+ that 2 things will definitely draw my emotions!  First, anything to do with parenting...a son who dedicates his success to his mother, a divorced father who cares only about the well being of his children. Second is anything to do with people chasing or realizing their deepest dreams!  I have dreams! In an honest moment I would tell you I have many dreams! But I often find that I sabotage them with worry, fear of failure, and/or lame excuses!  My daughter does not let anything stand in the way of her dreams! She simply DEDICATES herself to a path that gives her the best opportunity to reach her dreams. This 16 year old 5 foot, 86 pound young lady could make excuses if she chose! Instead, hard work and focus deliver her to heights I admire in ways that words cannot do justice!   I do not apologize at all for the emotion that overtakes me when I hear a story about a person overcoming difficult odds to reach their goal or for emotionally reacting to anyone who applies their inner drive to a volatile outer world.  My tears come from the admiration of these people, not for succeeding, but for facing their fears, dismissing the stacked odds and for having the deepest of core conviction to face adversity in order to better themselves.  I am, at age 47, going to concentrate on bettering myself in this area!  I challenge you to do the same!  God Bless!

PASSION: Unwrap that gift for your children!

In my previous post I shared a wonderful gift parents should give their children, the hand mirror. If you didn't read it take a peek!  Here, I want to share a gift you should unwrap with your child!  The gift is the discovery of one's passion! You might ask, "how does a parent help a child unwrap this wonderful gift?"  The process may be different for each child; it may happen at different ages, may take more help for some and just a bit for others! I see there are a few "must actions" however to maximize the odds of achieving the discovery.  First, when our children are younger we must provide varied opportunities for them to experience. Perhaps those might be sports, music, acting or drawing!  There are obviously many other possibilities.  The key is for us to pay attention as they participate in these varied activities so that we can nurture those that bring them energy.  That is how passion is displayed or communicated by children at early ages ENERGY!  Of course we know the things our kids do that provide energy at one age might bore them to tears at the turn of the calendar!  OK, so we encourage new possibilities and pay attention again.  We can also help out children once they get to the middle school, early HS age by listening to the conversations they have with their peers and how friends and family talk about them.  "Susie is so good with young children!"  "John, thanks for making dinner it really was delicious!" Mrs. Smith, you should have seen Sally in class today. She organized a surprise party for the teacher that everyone got involved with!  Have you heard these kinds of conversations or statements and just let them come in and out of your thoughts?  Think about each example above with a more critical lens.  Could you begin a conversation with your son or daughter around each of those comments that may trigger a thought process in their mind about where their default strengths are?  I bet the list of possibilities is lengthy!  If a child gets into the late teen years and that passion has not been identified yet, don't panic. Instead, ask yourself the following question. "Does my child have a passion for anything?" (They do, believe me it just needs more help in the unwrapping!)  Then ask, "I wonder if they have ever thought about their life or direction in terms of passion?"  The last question to ask yourself will be the true start of helping this child unwrap the gift.  "Have I ever asked him/her the question about their passions?"  The answer I hear most when talking to parents is "NO!".  But often they continue by saying, "Even if I asked them they would not be able to answer!"  Maybe, but maybe not. Even if they can't give an answer on the spot it might be because they have never thought about it in these terms.  Asking the question will trigger a paradigm shift for this child and more than likely will be the last pull on the ribbon holding the wrapping on the present! WHen my son came home after his Freshman year of college, there was some frustration as he still hadn't figured out exactly what he wanted to do for his career.  I politely told him that I thought he was trying to paint with to narrow of a brush.  Cast the net a little wider. I explained that his summer homework to be done prior to sophomore year was not to have a career decision, but to be able to articulate what makes him passionate. It was worded this way to help, "What is going to get you up every morning at 6 a.m. and keep you going until late into the night, 5-7 days a week for the next 30-40 years?  The summer is now passed and he has begun classes again.  He worked a full time "summer job" and is now working nights at a local pizza diner/delivery shop. The boy loves pizza, making it and eating it. He loves the energy around the restaurant that he feels each time he goes to work. Last week he tells me, Dad, my homework for the summer is done...I know what my passion is.  He quickly clarified that he did not want to be a pizza delivery guy or order taker the rest of his life! His passion was found in the energy he got being in the fast moving restaurant environment! AMEN!  Do we know what he will do after graduation? No, we don't need to know that.  What he does have now is a direction and focus that will  make courses he truly doesn't desire to take palatable because there is a vision that takes him past the class, past the degree and into a very bright and exciting future.  It was awesome to see and hear his enthusiasm as he shared his discovery with me!  To whatever degree I helped him in opening the present I am thankful. Better than that is HE has opened a gift that can give him a lifetime of fulfillment and prosperity!