I Second That Emotion!

Ok! Those of you who know me will say it is my age. Those of you who don't may "unfollow"! The truth is there are certain things that are sure to draw my emotions. Currently those things manifest themselves in places that are hard for me to admit...you know...American Idol, America's Got Talent, and once 2 weeks ago it was while watching 10 minutes of Minute to Win It!?!  Yes, tears, TEARS!  It really wasn't the 11 year old young lady with the big voice who did not make it past the top 10 in America's Got Talent, or the singer on American Idol who's beautiful wife was disfigured in an awful accident, or even the former USC Trojan on Minute to WIn It who lost control of his emotions when his mother called into the show to wish him well!  I find, at the ripe old age of 47+ that 2 things will definitely draw my emotions!  First, anything to do with parenting...a son who dedicates his success to his mother, a divorced father who cares only about the well being of his children. Second is anything to do with people chasing or realizing their deepest dreams!  I have dreams! In an honest moment I would tell you I have many dreams! But I often find that I sabotage them with worry, fear of failure, and/or lame excuses!  My daughter does not let anything stand in the way of her dreams! She simply DEDICATES herself to a path that gives her the best opportunity to reach her dreams. This 16 year old 5 foot, 86 pound young lady could make excuses if she chose! Instead, hard work and focus deliver her to heights I admire in ways that words cannot do justice!   I do not apologize at all for the emotion that overtakes me when I hear a story about a person overcoming difficult odds to reach their goal or for emotionally reacting to anyone who applies their inner drive to a volatile outer world.  My tears come from the admiration of these people, not for succeeding, but for facing their fears, dismissing the stacked odds and for having the deepest of core conviction to face adversity in order to better themselves.  I am, at age 47, going to concentrate on bettering myself in this area!  I challenge you to do the same!  God Bless!

PASSION: Unwrap that gift for your children!

In my previous post I shared a wonderful gift parents should give their children, the hand mirror. If you didn't read it take a peek!  Here, I want to share a gift you should unwrap with your child!  The gift is the discovery of one's passion! You might ask, "how does a parent help a child unwrap this wonderful gift?"  The process may be different for each child; it may happen at different ages, may take more help for some and just a bit for others! I see there are a few "must actions" however to maximize the odds of achieving the discovery.  First, when our children are younger we must provide varied opportunities for them to experience. Perhaps those might be sports, music, acting or drawing!  There are obviously many other possibilities.  The key is for us to pay attention as they participate in these varied activities so that we can nurture those that bring them energy.  That is how passion is displayed or communicated by children at early ages ENERGY!  Of course we know the things our kids do that provide energy at one age might bore them to tears at the turn of the calendar!  OK, so we encourage new possibilities and pay attention again.  We can also help out children once they get to the middle school, early HS age by listening to the conversations they have with their peers and how friends and family talk about them.  "Susie is so good with young children!"  "John, thanks for making dinner it really was delicious!" Mrs. Smith, you should have seen Sally in class today. She organized a surprise party for the teacher that everyone got involved with!  Have you heard these kinds of conversations or statements and just let them come in and out of your thoughts?  Think about each example above with a more critical lens.  Could you begin a conversation with your son or daughter around each of those comments that may trigger a thought process in their mind about where their default strengths are?  I bet the list of possibilities is lengthy!  If a child gets into the late teen years and that passion has not been identified yet, don't panic. Instead, ask yourself the following question. "Does my child have a passion for anything?" (They do, believe me it just needs more help in the unwrapping!)  Then ask, "I wonder if they have ever thought about their life or direction in terms of passion?"  The last question to ask yourself will be the true start of helping this child unwrap the gift.  "Have I ever asked him/her the question about their passions?"  The answer I hear most when talking to parents is "NO!".  But often they continue by saying, "Even if I asked them they would not be able to answer!"  Maybe, but maybe not. Even if they can't give an answer on the spot it might be because they have never thought about it in these terms.  Asking the question will trigger a paradigm shift for this child and more than likely will be the last pull on the ribbon holding the wrapping on the present! WHen my son came home after his Freshman year of college, there was some frustration as he still hadn't figured out exactly what he wanted to do for his career.  I politely told him that I thought he was trying to paint with to narrow of a brush.  Cast the net a little wider. I explained that his summer homework to be done prior to sophomore year was not to have a career decision, but to be able to articulate what makes him passionate. It was worded this way to help, "What is going to get you up every morning at 6 a.m. and keep you going until late into the night, 5-7 days a week for the next 30-40 years?  The summer is now passed and he has begun classes again.  He worked a full time "summer job" and is now working nights at a local pizza diner/delivery shop. The boy loves pizza, making it and eating it. He loves the energy around the restaurant that he feels each time he goes to work. Last week he tells me, Dad, my homework for the summer is done...I know what my passion is.  He quickly clarified that he did not want to be a pizza delivery guy or order taker the rest of his life! His passion was found in the energy he got being in the fast moving restaurant environment! AMEN!  Do we know what he will do after graduation? No, we don't need to know that.  What he does have now is a direction and focus that will  make courses he truly doesn't desire to take palatable because there is a vision that takes him past the class, past the degree and into a very bright and exciting future.  It was awesome to see and hear his enthusiasm as he shared his discovery with me!  To whatever degree I helped him in opening the present I am thankful. Better than that is HE has opened a gift that can give him a lifetime of fulfillment and prosperity!

father,the Father, son: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

father,the Father, son: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: "Hey parents! I've got the perfect gift to give your children this holiday season! Better yet, it is truly inexpensive! I just hope they are..."

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Hey parents! I've got the perfect gift to give your children this holiday season! Better yet, it is truly inexpensive!  I just hope they are still being made somewhere because it has been a long time since I have seen anyone, adult or child with one.  The perfect gift is a hand held mirror! That's right, a good, old-fashioned hand held mirror. the kind my mom used to have in the vanity. It showed you in normal reflection held one way and magnified if you turned it around! What, you don't believe me and you think your children will mutiny in unison if they unwrap that during the holidays! Well, you are probably right...but here is why you should give it to them anyway, and probably why you need to ask for one on your holiday wish list as well!
You see, I was taught by my parents (though it took a lot longer for me to learn then they wanted it to!) that before I looked to blame someone else for a dispute, or falling out, I should hold up a mirror and see what part I may have played in the situation. It is  my experience as an educator and everyday citizen that this act of holding up a mirror, taking responsibility, is at best optional and more often not happening at all.  We need to teach our children, by modeling, that we should carry that mirror with us at all times. We should use it often and understand that the mirror never lies.  Stephen Covey, in his very popular book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People lays it out beautifully in his 5th Habit - Seek First to Understand (then, to be understood).  If we work at pulling out that mirror, maybe while we are using another lesson taught to our generation by our folks, counting to ten before speaking, we may just find that our disputes are more easily managed. When we begin a discussion by saying, "I am having trouble understanding your position, can you help me understand", a potential fire-up is avoided.  When we are truly able to "agree to disagree" respectfully, relationships can continue to flourish rather than to fade away. This act of self-reflection is a powerful message to our colleagues, peers, and children to keep open, honest discussion rather than lying, or hiding from conversation. And, when we use the mirror and share it with our children we help them to develop, and sustain strong, fulfilling relationships as well.
I challenge you to take a moment before you retire for the night to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you, your spouse, your children are using that mirror or if you need to quickly redistribute to one, or all of the significant people in your life. Most important, don't give a mirror without owning your own!
PS: Don't wait until December to pull it out!

father,the Father, son: Lifeguards, Aquaman, and the Pirates

father,the Father, son: Lifeguards, Aquaman, and the Pirates: "Staring across the swimming pool, sun reflecting off the water, I see my 4 year old son climbing the ladder to the diving board in the...wai..."

Lifeguards, Aquaman, and the Pirates

Staring across the swimming pool, sun reflecting off the water, I see my 4 year old son climbing the ladder to the diving board in the...wait for it....DEEP END!!  My four year old Jake does not swim, in fact I think he would rather take his nap than put his face in the water!  Yet he climbs, and he walks the plank to the end of the board. No way will he jump in!?!?!  One, Two, Three...Splash!!! Nice catch!  You see, this was the final swim lesson of the summer. Though a reluctant "swimmer" Jake was blessed by an instructor he trusted. He jumped, she caught him, mom gasped, dad snapped a photo and Jake shot a thumbs up.  It was not until later that he admitted a huge amount of fear before he jumped.  "Why did you do it then?".  "Dad, my teacher wouldn't drop me!!".  A non swimmer, no face wet four year old jumps off the diving board in the deep end because he knows his teacher is there for him!! I have just finished my 25th year in education and there are teachers like this out there everywhere,  quickly building relationships of trust with children who count on them in their most fearful moments!  Teacher friends, never take that responsibility for granted and make their trust your yearly bonus!  Parents, we face these moments of "deep end" decisions with our children all the time. It takes bravery to be treading in the deep end every time our kids venture out onto the diving board contemplating the big dive. There are times we must be brave enough to tell them to back up. climb back down the stairs and meet them with a comfortable towel, a hug, and an "it's going to be ok!".  There are other times we need to let them dive without getting there face wet. A small risk but empowering. Other times we need to let them go under only to quickly bring them back to the surface...lesson learned the hard way bit knowing we are there for them.  Sometimes we need to show bravery by letting somebody else be the one they need.....blasphemy, I know but those situations, in the course of a lifetime will occur more often than not! Think about it, we are always "there" for our kids but they spend far more time living away from us than with us!    The beauty is that if we calculate these situations correctly and selflessly, rather than selfishly, we get exactly what we would all say we really want. We desire children who can self advocate, know when to trust and who to trust, an more importantly get the message that we believe they are capable of doing those things!  We walk a parental tight-rope, constantly trying to decipher when to step in and when to step back.  Be sure to always think with the end  in mind...is my decision going to help now and hinder later, or pay dividends later that will cause the child to say, "Dad, my teacher wouldn't drop me!"?
God bless!

Three's Company!

It has been a while since I have posted! Not because I have nothing to say, life happened! Fortunately, I have a group of guys I meet with every other Sunday, when life allows, that mean more to me than anything! The last time I was with them, just a few weeks ago, I was challenged and humbled by the church pastor (from The Chapel, Grayslake), Brent Davis to further my leadership in the church. His explanation is simple but resonates profoundly! Thanks Brent and the Dawn Patrol, you know who you are, for making me a better man! Here is the story!
We all need a Paul, a Barnabas, and a Timothy. These are the names of 3 important people in the Bible. This model can be a focus in your life, a purpose finder, and a satisfier like it has been for mine. Paul was a fervent non-believer who eventually accepted Christ as his leader and began spreading the good news around the world. He was the resident genious when it came to sharing the word of God!  We all need a Paul. That person, who no matter what the environment, is our mentor and confidant. That guy (or girl) who we get way more from than we are able to give.  We also all need a Barnabas! A peer, a friend, some body who is "at our level" whatever level that is. We share equally with Barnabas. It is a give and take relationship that matures both sides. It resides in "mutuality"!
Timothy is the challenge for all of us!  We all need a Timothy. Timothy is the person(s) in our life that needs us to be his/her Paul!  We need to be there, as a role model, friend, and leader for the Timothy in our life.  We give to Timothy no matter how much, if any, we get back from him.
I bet if somebody asked you, "Who is your Paul?", you would probably have a quick and emphatic response. I am equally confidant that we can all name a Barnabas or two in our lives!  But, who are you investing in, who is your Timothy. It only makes sense that if God has provide you a "Paul" and a "Barnabas" that He is holding you responsible for having a "Timothy".  If you do awesome, keep investing and maybe challenge yourself to find another. If you do not, does that sit well with you, deep in your heart can you say it is ok to have a giver, a sharer, but not be a giver yourself?  For me it is no longer ok? I am purposeful in searching situations to be someones "Paul".  I hope that this purposeful effort is impactful on others, I know it is for me. To my Pauls, thank God for all of you.  To my Barnabas's, I love our time together and the challenges we provide each other. Timothy, I am here, and I am looking for you every day! God bless!

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