guardian Angl

How Didn't That Happen??

I am a firm believer that if you want to be relevant in all that you do, you must truly pay attention.  I also believe that it is typically easier to pay attention to those things that you have  passion form; thus easier to pay attention to those same things. But, come on people, I know that I am not the only person that has a passion for certain things that just don't get done! These are things that you think about, feel strongly about but still do not get done or at least are not done consistently. Let me share.
I ama firm believer in Jesus Christ. I am a firm believer that, in that belief, I have both opportunity and responsibility. When I live like I believe I accomplish several specific things:
1.  I set a good example
2.  I feel GOOD about myself
3.  I keep situations from escalating
4.  I minimize the number of things I have to apologize for

But, when I allow myself to act in ways that are not consistent with my true beliefs I do tremendous damage to:

1. my own credibility
2. my most important relationships
3. movement in others toward God's kingdom

My desire is to be capable of acting the RIGHT way no matter how others choose to act. That I do not act differently than I expect myself to be,  That in doing the right thing I allow others to see that there is a different way to relate, engage and make a difference.  I know people who have found a way to do just that. I find that I admire those people routinely. However, I truly struggle in this area.  I find myself very capable of breaking my own rules when others show that they will play outside the rules.  EMBARRASSING!  I know better, and am more intelligent than that. I need to take every opportunity provided to demonstrate self-control, unconditional love, and mercy to those I love the most, my wife and my children.  Until I am able to do that I must be very careful NOT to judge them by different standards than I myself live by. When I make this transformation, I can change my expectation. With God's hand, I will become a better man and a better agent to His desires!

What is taking so long?

In my role as husband, father, and educator I have had many occasions to invest in people. I truly enjoy the fulfillment that comes from helping someone in need. That said, there are times when I have provided such assistance with love, kindness and attention to detail only to observe little or no change in the individual who received my advice, time, or supposed wisdom. Often they were grateful for my help, nodding their head in acknowledgement of the insight or intelligence shared and a knowing smile that shouted, "That makes perfect sense!'  Days, months, maybe a year maybe four years later, same person needing the same help. UUGGHHH! Did I help or didn't I??
When you teach students at the elementary level you learn over time that the help you provide a child or a class may not manifest itself until after they have left you at year's end or maybe not even until their early adult years. They come back and say, "Mr. Clement, remember when you found me crying at my locker and you stopped, put your arm around me and told me you would stay with me until I was better?"  On the day I did stop at this young lady;s locker she was none-to-thrilled that I had stopped and I believe asked me with an expletive to leave her alone! I chose not to and 8 years later I get the "thank you" and a chance to hear how that event affected her life moving forward.
With our children, we tell them certain things repeatedly "for their own good" only to have to tell them the same thing over and over again, wondering the entire time why they just aren't listening. Then they grow up, move out, come back for a holiday dinner and share your exact words,verbatim! They not only listened, but heard!
And with our spouses we all try to make adjustments on the fly as our lives change, children come, money flows in and flows out, and our personal needs change.  If we are lucky we can honestly share our needs and trust that our significant other will honestly and lovingly complement us throughout our life changes.  But, we may not see immediate results that match the words that are spoken. This can be frustrating and may cause people to pull away from the loved one they have committed their life too.
No matter the relationship or situation in question I would like to point you to the amazing story of the Chinese Bamboo tree. In the first five years of the life of a well cared for and loved bamboo tree sprout you will see virtually no growth. But what you won't see is the amazing root growth going on below the surface of the earth during that time period. A root growth necessary to allow, when it is time, for that tree to blossom and grow to incredible heights. After year 5 the tree will grow approximately 3 feet per year, up to 90 feet high!  Patience and perseverance that pays off.
Your challenge: wherever you are investing your time and attention, remember whatever you put into a person may not manifest itself in individual growth during the time you provide it. It may take months or years for the evidence of your love and caring to become palpable. But the end result just may be a stronger more independent person who is then able to reinvest themselves into others in a similar fashion!
Please take just a couple of minutes to view this video about the bamboo tree! God Bless.
www.youtube,com/watch?v=u9axslthfco

The Patriarch

There are a lot of really good Dad's out there working hard, loving their families and making a difference, Then there are "Patriarchs"!!  In my mind that title is akin to "Hall of Famer" in front of your name, in any sport. You see, the best of the best become Patriarchs. Not something you can study for, and just like hall of fame athletes', not something you can do in one day, or one "season".  That said. how fortunate are my children and I to be a part of the lives of 3 men who are definitively worth of the title Patriarch!
My wife.s grandfather, Ed Anenen is, no doubt, the Patriarch of the Anenen name.  A World War 2 Veteran, father of 5 and husband of 1 phenomenal woman, he has lived into his 90's with humility, high expectations, and a sense of humor to die for.  He sets a bar so high that very few could ever hope to reach it but anyone who reaches for it will finish better that they would have on their own.  My father-in-law, Paul Chapman is also worthy of the title. No man cherishes their children more than he does.  Hard worker,  selfless husband, and caring father are just some of the descriptors I would use to illustrate his core values! My dad, Gary Clement, come on, he had to deal with me for the last 47 years!! Truly, that could not have been an easy task. Today is his birthday and he is home, in the U.P. with mom and his brother's family. He is without question the patriarch of the Clement family. He has made a tremendous impact on the lives of me and my 2 sisters. He loves my wife and her family. But his endowment of "Patriarch" comes from his undying love and impact on his grandchildren.  It isn't something he did once, it is what he does always. He is amazingly trustworthy. That doesn't mean everyone always agrees with him but you will always know where you stand with him and will always know what to expect from him. He, without words, exudes an expectation of individual strength, inner trust, and achievement for each member of his family.  I for one tested those things over and over again!  Never, have I ever wondered what his expectations were. They have been the same since day 1 for me, my sisters and the grandkids...do your best, never embarrass the "Clement" name, and be good to others! Still working on all those things Dad!
Thanks to Ed, Paul, and Gary Clement for your selflessness, sacrifice, love, strength, unchanging expectations and for those things you have passed on to generations to come long after you have taken your rightful place on the Golden Highway!

Are You a Rule Follower? (How about your own rules??)

Apologies to my dad (who by the way has a birthday tomorrow!) as I am going to do my best to recall an event from long ago to the best of my ability. It is a warm weekend in Lake County, Illinois. I am somewhere between 5-8 years old. My dad is outside painting the house and I wanna help!! So, puffy chested, I walk outside and ask if I can help!  I am so excited when he responds, "Yes!".  The excitement wanes quickly when he tells me that I can go get him a rag from the garage so the he can clean up any unwanted drips.  I am obviously overqualified!  I want to help with the actual painting not schlep to the garage to fetch a rag!!  I dutifully retrieve the rag and then angrily walk back into the house before the indignation continues!! All kidding aside, I was ticked and to this day I remember that feeling. However, along the way, I did learn a few things. First, it really was a big help to him as he was on a roll and to not have to stop, get off the ladder, get the rag and go back up saved him valuable time. Second, I learned that if and when you ask someone if they need help, you have to be prepared to help then in the way they truly need to be helped, not necessarily the way you hoped to help them!

You see, helping someone should not be about the helper but about the "helpee"!!  This is true in the workplace, with a spouse, and even with your own children. I have been affected by this in both the helper role and the helpee role. I have been working with children as an educator for over 25 years, in addition I have 5 children of my own. As a teacher, I have offered to help many students and colleagues.  The intention is always good, the results not always great! Looking back, when I was truly helpful I asked "how can I help you?" rather than, "Here, let me show you!".  I have made the same error at times with my own children and my wife too.  The reality is we often use our own assumptions or history to define the manner in which SOMEONE else needs our help. You can get into big trouble relationally if you put a lot of effort into helping a loved one based on those assumptions rather than trustingly asking them what you can do to help. 

Recently I discovered that I had fallen prey to this trap with someone very important to me. Based on my own beliefs, and assumptions I spent 3 years trying to help a loved one and grew increasingly disappointed and resentful when my help was dismissed or less than life changing. Then, in a calm moment, more due to the frustration than intelligence, I asked that person to tell me what they needed to make things better.  The response spun me around like a revolving door on steroids. At the same time, things became very clear, My "helping" was causing extreme harm! It was having the reverse effect even though the intentions were still good. I had deepened a problem I was trying to resolve due to the horse blinders I had put on myself!   Fortunately, the blinders were completely discarded the moment I put the focus where it should have been! I gave that person a chance to LET ma be a help in the manner they most definitely needed. I am thrilled that I now have the chance to do what I wanted to do from the start, truly make a difference!

It is common sense, yet so easy to mess up. The golden rule here is to remember that if you are really interested in being helpful in any situation with anybody, take the moment to simply ask, "How can I help"?  If you don't ask yourself, "Is it more about helping me get what I want than helping the other get what they need?"

God bless and Happy Birthday Dad!

Are You a Rule Follower? (How about your own rules??)

Apologies to my dad (who by the way has a birthday tomorrow!) as I am going to do my best to recall an event from long ago to the best of my ability. It is a warm weekend in Lake County, Illinois. I am somewhere between 5-8 years old. My dad is outside painting the house and I wanna help!! So, puffy chested, I walk outside and ask if I can help!  I am so excited when he responds, "Yes!".  The excitement wanes quickly when he tells me that I can go get him a rag from the garage so the he can clean up any unwanted drips.  I am obviously overqualified!  I want to help with the actual painting not schlep to the garage to fetch a rag!!  I dutifully retrieve the rag and then angrily walk back into the house before the indignation continues!! All kidding aside, I was ticked and to this day I remember that feeling. However, along the way, I did learn a few things. First, it really was a big help to him as he was on a roll and to not have to stop, get off the ladder, get the rag and go back up saved him valuable time. Second, I learned that if and when you ask someone if they need help, you have to be prepared to help then in the way they truly need to be helped, not necessarily the way you hoped to help them!

You see, helping someone should not be about the helper but about the "helpee"!!  This is true in the workplace, with a spouse, and even with your own children. I have been affected by this in both the helper role and the helpee role. I have been working with children as an educator for over 25 years, in addition I have 5 children of my own. As a teacher, I have offered to help many students and colleagues.  The intention is always good, the results not always great! Looking back, when I was truly helpful I asked "how can I help you?" rather than, "Here, let me show you!".  I have made the same error at times with my own children and my wife too.  The reality is we often use our own assumptions or history to define the manner in which SOMEONE else needs our help. You can get into big trouble relationally if you put a lot of effort into helping a loved one based on those assumptions rather than trustingly asking them what you can do to help. 

Recently I discovered that I had fallen prey to this trap with someone very important to me. Based on my own beliefs, and assumptions I spent 3 years trying to help a loved one and grew increasingly disappointed and resentful when my help was dismissed or less than life changing. Then, in a calm moment, more due to the frustration than intelligence, I asked that person to tell me what they needed to make things better.  The response spun me around like a revolving door on steroids. At the same time, things became very clear, My "helping" was causing extreme harm! It was having the reverse effect even though the intentions were still good. I had deepened a problem I was trying to resolve due to the horse blinders I had put on myself!   Fortunately, the blinders were completely discarded the moment I put the focus where it should have been! I gave that person a chance to LET ma be a help in the manner they most definitely needed. I am thrilled that I now have the chance to do what I wanted to do from the start, truly make a difference!

It is common sense, yet so easy to mess up. The golden rule here is to remember that if you are really interested in being helpful in any situation with anybody, take the moment to simply ask, "How can I help"?  If you don't ask yourself, "Is it more about helping me get what I want than helping the other get what they need?"

God bless and Happy Birthday Dad!

I Second That Emotion!

Ok! Those of you who know me will say it is my age. Those of you who don't may "unfollow"! The truth is there are certain things that are sure to draw my emotions. Currently those things manifest themselves in places that are hard for me to admit...you know...American Idol, America's Got Talent, and once 2 weeks ago it was while watching 10 minutes of Minute to Win It!?!  Yes, tears, TEARS!  It really wasn't the 11 year old young lady with the big voice who did not make it past the top 10 in America's Got Talent, or the singer on American Idol who's beautiful wife was disfigured in an awful accident, or even the former USC Trojan on Minute to WIn It who lost control of his emotions when his mother called into the show to wish him well!  I find, at the ripe old age of 47+ that 2 things will definitely draw my emotions!  First, anything to do with parenting...a son who dedicates his success to his mother, a divorced father who cares only about the well being of his children. Second is anything to do with people chasing or realizing their deepest dreams!  I have dreams! In an honest moment I would tell you I have many dreams! But I often find that I sabotage them with worry, fear of failure, and/or lame excuses!  My daughter does not let anything stand in the way of her dreams! She simply DEDICATES herself to a path that gives her the best opportunity to reach her dreams. This 16 year old 5 foot, 86 pound young lady could make excuses if she chose! Instead, hard work and focus deliver her to heights I admire in ways that words cannot do justice!   I do not apologize at all for the emotion that overtakes me when I hear a story about a person overcoming difficult odds to reach their goal or for emotionally reacting to anyone who applies their inner drive to a volatile outer world.  My tears come from the admiration of these people, not for succeeding, but for facing their fears, dismissing the stacked odds and for having the deepest of core conviction to face adversity in order to better themselves.  I am, at age 47, going to concentrate on bettering myself in this area!  I challenge you to do the same!  God Bless!

PASSION: Unwrap that gift for your children!

In my previous post I shared a wonderful gift parents should give their children, the hand mirror. If you didn't read it take a peek!  Here, I want to share a gift you should unwrap with your child!  The gift is the discovery of one's passion! You might ask, "how does a parent help a child unwrap this wonderful gift?"  The process may be different for each child; it may happen at different ages, may take more help for some and just a bit for others! I see there are a few "must actions" however to maximize the odds of achieving the discovery.  First, when our children are younger we must provide varied opportunities for them to experience. Perhaps those might be sports, music, acting or drawing!  There are obviously many other possibilities.  The key is for us to pay attention as they participate in these varied activities so that we can nurture those that bring them energy.  That is how passion is displayed or communicated by children at early ages ENERGY!  Of course we know the things our kids do that provide energy at one age might bore them to tears at the turn of the calendar!  OK, so we encourage new possibilities and pay attention again.  We can also help out children once they get to the middle school, early HS age by listening to the conversations they have with their peers and how friends and family talk about them.  "Susie is so good with young children!"  "John, thanks for making dinner it really was delicious!" Mrs. Smith, you should have seen Sally in class today. She organized a surprise party for the teacher that everyone got involved with!  Have you heard these kinds of conversations or statements and just let them come in and out of your thoughts?  Think about each example above with a more critical lens.  Could you begin a conversation with your son or daughter around each of those comments that may trigger a thought process in their mind about where their default strengths are?  I bet the list of possibilities is lengthy!  If a child gets into the late teen years and that passion has not been identified yet, don't panic. Instead, ask yourself the following question. "Does my child have a passion for anything?" (They do, believe me it just needs more help in the unwrapping!)  Then ask, "I wonder if they have ever thought about their life or direction in terms of passion?"  The last question to ask yourself will be the true start of helping this child unwrap the gift.  "Have I ever asked him/her the question about their passions?"  The answer I hear most when talking to parents is "NO!".  But often they continue by saying, "Even if I asked them they would not be able to answer!"  Maybe, but maybe not. Even if they can't give an answer on the spot it might be because they have never thought about it in these terms.  Asking the question will trigger a paradigm shift for this child and more than likely will be the last pull on the ribbon holding the wrapping on the present! WHen my son came home after his Freshman year of college, there was some frustration as he still hadn't figured out exactly what he wanted to do for his career.  I politely told him that I thought he was trying to paint with to narrow of a brush.  Cast the net a little wider. I explained that his summer homework to be done prior to sophomore year was not to have a career decision, but to be able to articulate what makes him passionate. It was worded this way to help, "What is going to get you up every morning at 6 a.m. and keep you going until late into the night, 5-7 days a week for the next 30-40 years?  The summer is now passed and he has begun classes again.  He worked a full time "summer job" and is now working nights at a local pizza diner/delivery shop. The boy loves pizza, making it and eating it. He loves the energy around the restaurant that he feels each time he goes to work. Last week he tells me, Dad, my homework for the summer is done...I know what my passion is.  He quickly clarified that he did not want to be a pizza delivery guy or order taker the rest of his life! His passion was found in the energy he got being in the fast moving restaurant environment! AMEN!  Do we know what he will do after graduation? No, we don't need to know that.  What he does have now is a direction and focus that will  make courses he truly doesn't desire to take palatable because there is a vision that takes him past the class, past the degree and into a very bright and exciting future.  It was awesome to see and hear his enthusiasm as he shared his discovery with me!  To whatever degree I helped him in opening the present I am thankful. Better than that is HE has opened a gift that can give him a lifetime of fulfillment and prosperity!

father,the Father, son: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

father,the Father, son: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: "Hey parents! I've got the perfect gift to give your children this holiday season! Better yet, it is truly inexpensive! I just hope they are..."

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Hey parents! I've got the perfect gift to give your children this holiday season! Better yet, it is truly inexpensive!  I just hope they are still being made somewhere because it has been a long time since I have seen anyone, adult or child with one.  The perfect gift is a hand held mirror! That's right, a good, old-fashioned hand held mirror. the kind my mom used to have in the vanity. It showed you in normal reflection held one way and magnified if you turned it around! What, you don't believe me and you think your children will mutiny in unison if they unwrap that during the holidays! Well, you are probably right...but here is why you should give it to them anyway, and probably why you need to ask for one on your holiday wish list as well!
You see, I was taught by my parents (though it took a lot longer for me to learn then they wanted it to!) that before I looked to blame someone else for a dispute, or falling out, I should hold up a mirror and see what part I may have played in the situation. It is  my experience as an educator and everyday citizen that this act of holding up a mirror, taking responsibility, is at best optional and more often not happening at all.  We need to teach our children, by modeling, that we should carry that mirror with us at all times. We should use it often and understand that the mirror never lies.  Stephen Covey, in his very popular book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People lays it out beautifully in his 5th Habit - Seek First to Understand (then, to be understood).  If we work at pulling out that mirror, maybe while we are using another lesson taught to our generation by our folks, counting to ten before speaking, we may just find that our disputes are more easily managed. When we begin a discussion by saying, "I am having trouble understanding your position, can you help me understand", a potential fire-up is avoided.  When we are truly able to "agree to disagree" respectfully, relationships can continue to flourish rather than to fade away. This act of self-reflection is a powerful message to our colleagues, peers, and children to keep open, honest discussion rather than lying, or hiding from conversation. And, when we use the mirror and share it with our children we help them to develop, and sustain strong, fulfilling relationships as well.
I challenge you to take a moment before you retire for the night to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you, your spouse, your children are using that mirror or if you need to quickly redistribute to one, or all of the significant people in your life. Most important, don't give a mirror without owning your own!
PS: Don't wait until December to pull it out!

father,the Father, son: Lifeguards, Aquaman, and the Pirates

father,the Father, son: Lifeguards, Aquaman, and the Pirates: "Staring across the swimming pool, sun reflecting off the water, I see my 4 year old son climbing the ladder to the diving board in the...wai..."

Lifeguards, Aquaman, and the Pirates

Staring across the swimming pool, sun reflecting off the water, I see my 4 year old son climbing the ladder to the diving board in the...wait for it....DEEP END!!  My four year old Jake does not swim, in fact I think he would rather take his nap than put his face in the water!  Yet he climbs, and he walks the plank to the end of the board. No way will he jump in!?!?!  One, Two, Three...Splash!!! Nice catch!  You see, this was the final swim lesson of the summer. Though a reluctant "swimmer" Jake was blessed by an instructor he trusted. He jumped, she caught him, mom gasped, dad snapped a photo and Jake shot a thumbs up.  It was not until later that he admitted a huge amount of fear before he jumped.  "Why did you do it then?".  "Dad, my teacher wouldn't drop me!!".  A non swimmer, no face wet four year old jumps off the diving board in the deep end because he knows his teacher is there for him!! I have just finished my 25th year in education and there are teachers like this out there everywhere,  quickly building relationships of trust with children who count on them in their most fearful moments!  Teacher friends, never take that responsibility for granted and make their trust your yearly bonus!  Parents, we face these moments of "deep end" decisions with our children all the time. It takes bravery to be treading in the deep end every time our kids venture out onto the diving board contemplating the big dive. There are times we must be brave enough to tell them to back up. climb back down the stairs and meet them with a comfortable towel, a hug, and an "it's going to be ok!".  There are other times we need to let them dive without getting there face wet. A small risk but empowering. Other times we need to let them go under only to quickly bring them back to the surface...lesson learned the hard way bit knowing we are there for them.  Sometimes we need to show bravery by letting somebody else be the one they need.....blasphemy, I know but those situations, in the course of a lifetime will occur more often than not! Think about it, we are always "there" for our kids but they spend far more time living away from us than with us!    The beauty is that if we calculate these situations correctly and selflessly, rather than selfishly, we get exactly what we would all say we really want. We desire children who can self advocate, know when to trust and who to trust, an more importantly get the message that we believe they are capable of doing those things!  We walk a parental tight-rope, constantly trying to decipher when to step in and when to step back.  Be sure to always think with the end  in mind...is my decision going to help now and hinder later, or pay dividends later that will cause the child to say, "Dad, my teacher wouldn't drop me!"?
God bless!

Three's Company!

It has been a while since I have posted! Not because I have nothing to say, life happened! Fortunately, I have a group of guys I meet with every other Sunday, when life allows, that mean more to me than anything! The last time I was with them, just a few weeks ago, I was challenged and humbled by the church pastor (from The Chapel, Grayslake), Brent Davis to further my leadership in the church. His explanation is simple but resonates profoundly! Thanks Brent and the Dawn Patrol, you know who you are, for making me a better man! Here is the story!
We all need a Paul, a Barnabas, and a Timothy. These are the names of 3 important people in the Bible. This model can be a focus in your life, a purpose finder, and a satisfier like it has been for mine. Paul was a fervent non-believer who eventually accepted Christ as his leader and began spreading the good news around the world. He was the resident genious when it came to sharing the word of God!  We all need a Paul. That person, who no matter what the environment, is our mentor and confidant. That guy (or girl) who we get way more from than we are able to give.  We also all need a Barnabas! A peer, a friend, some body who is "at our level" whatever level that is. We share equally with Barnabas. It is a give and take relationship that matures both sides. It resides in "mutuality"!
Timothy is the challenge for all of us!  We all need a Timothy. Timothy is the person(s) in our life that needs us to be his/her Paul!  We need to be there, as a role model, friend, and leader for the Timothy in our life.  We give to Timothy no matter how much, if any, we get back from him.
I bet if somebody asked you, "Who is your Paul?", you would probably have a quick and emphatic response. I am equally confidant that we can all name a Barnabas or two in our lives!  But, who are you investing in, who is your Timothy. It only makes sense that if God has provide you a "Paul" and a "Barnabas" that He is holding you responsible for having a "Timothy".  If you do awesome, keep investing and maybe challenge yourself to find another. If you do not, does that sit well with you, deep in your heart can you say it is ok to have a giver, a sharer, but not be a giver yourself?  For me it is no longer ok? I am purposeful in searching situations to be someones "Paul".  I hope that this purposeful effort is impactful on others, I know it is for me. To my Pauls, thank God for all of you.  To my Barnabas's, I love our time together and the challenges we provide each other. Timothy, I am here, and I am looking for you every day! God bless!

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Celebrating Pelicans?!?!?

It is because I am a father that I started this blog. A way to record memories, experiences thoughts, and emotions. I am forever grateful to my children, Sean, Ryne, Aubrey, Jacob, and Joshua for "making" me a father and allowing me the opportunity to participate in their amazing lives.  Time flies....the oldest prepares to leave the nest. Me: "Where is your head about this big move?" Sean, "It is a good thing it is happening so fast..less time to over analyze and over think!"  He truly has me in his blood as we are both over-analyzers.  But what an amazing person he is.  He has so many admirable traits (and a few not so admirable traits!!)  I find myself reflecting on his journey from my perspective.  Good student, great son and brother. His college experience transformed him into a man. He grew in his independence, took care of his business and experienced college at Iowa State University the way it is to be done. I sent him off 5 years ago with my aforementioned advice, "work hard, play hard!"  He did just that as a fraternity member, ATO, university leader and scholar. Following graduation he has had an ever too typical experience. Paid internship with the Beloit Snappers, a Minnesota Twins affiliate.  A few months off between November and January. He had "a cup of coffee" with the Lake County Fielders, and then a frustrating 3 months culminating with taking a job that would provide some income and structure. Prayers were then answered..he was offered and accepted a job with the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, a Texas Rangers Class A team.  CELEBRATE PELICANS!!    He is leaving in 14 hours of this posting. I am so proud, so excited and relieved. But, I am also anxious.  A father is lucky to have a son who teaches him as much as Sean has taught me!  Thoughtful decisions at a young age, trust in others, patience and a stick-to-it determination.  I know he has learned some things from me, those are the things I admire and have learned from him.  Fortunately, I will be able to write similar posts as each of my children grow-up as they have all taught me something. For today, Sean, I love you and admire you more than ever. You are strong, brilliant and loved. I will miss you as a son and a friend but remember, no matter where you lay your head, I am your father and I will always be wherever you are, forever. And by the way,
WORK HARD, PLAY HARD son! I love you!

Oh Momma!

Happy Mothers' Day Eve!  It can be easy to look at Mothers' Day as one of those "Hallmark Holidays"...damn, forgot to get a card!  Anyway, I believe it is much more than that! Mothers are truly amazing people; soothers, sages, and storytellers!  Have a nightmare, a headache, or an awful breakup? "Mom, MOMMY!!!"   They have that unexplainable way of making you feel better, safer, and worthy by simply softening there voice and pushing your hair off your forehead!  Think about it, we have all experienced laying in out beds as young kids breathing normally again because mom was there.  Mom's often teach us how to moderate our emotions. The angrier we get, the sadder we are or the more we have fallen in love, mom teaches us to count to ten, smile even though we don't want to because somehow she knew we would need a chocolate chip cookie before the day ended. Mom also made sure that "that" girl was really worthy of her "favorite" son!
My mom has helped me fix a whole in the wall that I put in it in an angry rage during HS!  My mom has treated me with the respect of complete honesty even when I may have preferred a lie. My mom, just 3 weeks ago, took my hands in hers, made me look in her eyes and promise to get a colonoscopy!  See, my mom is a cancer survivor, defender of her 3 "cubs" and her 8 grandcubs!!!  My mom demonstrated her trust in me by not getting over-involved, letting me learn through natural consequences and expecting me to be able to rise to these expectations even when I didn't deserve that respect or trust!  I love my mother more today than I did yesterday and will love her even more tomorrow.  Tell your mother you love her tomorrow because it's mothers day but prove it everyday by honoring the lessons she taught you throughout your life. Ruth Clement, you are the best and I will love you forever!

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What am I missing?

Every now and again I experience the blues. You know what I mean. You just don't feel right...low energy, lack of motivation, frustration. Is it work, the kids, the Cubs losing again?  Quickly you recognize it really isn't any of those things but you still can't figure out what it is..."THE BLUES"! I have a system I have developed to help me through these times that you may find helpful. Several colleagues and friends have said it has worked for them too! It is a combination of a brief "life inventory" and a GPS recalculation!  I have to use my life as an example. Often when I get down it may manifest itself as work or home stress but I have found that what it really is comes from something missing in my life at that time.  I am sure it is different based on each person but for me if I am not working out (competitive outlet), reading the bible (or if I have to miss church services), or I have not been able to have quality time with my wife and kids I enter the blues! Now, if 2 out of 3 of those things are going well I can still deal with life's curve balls pretty well.  But if 2 or more are missing I quickly find myself walking under grey skies!  Understanding this I am able to quickly determine which areas I am deficient in 99% of the time and then I switch to my personal GPS and "RECALCULATE"!  I develop a plan, mentally or in writing, as to how I will regain balance in those needed areas.  For me, it works almost every time and I am able to "snap out of it".  The blues will never stop coming for us but I am much better at minimizing the time it takes to jump back to terra firma!  Please, if the blues do not go away, consider seeking professional assistance. I have had to do that too and it was one of the smartest things I have ever done.  I hope this is helpful as life can be so trying at times!  Share your own methods and let me know if my system proves beneficial to you or someone you love!

They are listening! Keep the balance!

Let's be honest if you are a parent, you have thought at least once that your child does not hear you at all. I have and truth be told sometimes they are just not listening. But, just about the time you think you know for sure when they are listening and when they are not the prove you wrong. I believe it is less important that we, as fathers, know for sure when they hear us and when they don't, than understanding that we should assume they are all the time for safety sake. Usually this conversation leads to dialogue about the episodes of cussing or ranting that we thin goes unheard only to hear from mom, "guess what your son said to the baby sitter today!?!?!" My worst nightmare. But other times we find that something we say that seems innocuous is internalized by our children in the most positive way. From the day my children go to school I begin telling them on a daily basis, "Work hard, play hard". I believe strongly that it is important to do both. With my children this utterance follows a definitive value statement that goes something like this: I expect you to be a good person first, a good student/citizen second and a good athlete/musician/cook...third! I wanted them to really HEAR that message from their father. I added work hard, play hard as a throw in to help remember the discussion in an easy manner. Here is what happened. As my oldest son began applying for college he faced the onerous task of writing college application essays. This is something I never had to do. I have never been over involved in my children's "business". But, I was curious about these essays. I asked Sean if I could see what he wrote and he obliged. The essay title...."Work Hard, Play Hard" Goose bumps, humility, pride, disbelief..all words that describe my immediate reaction. I read the essay and quickly discovered that this phrase I "threw in" seemed to make an impact. This sentence was what he decided was the essence of his moving from HS student to college student. I was humbled by his words! However, the most powerful sense I had was that my child was paying attention, attention at a level I never expected. Lesson, we have a huge responsibility to be thoughtful in the words we share with our children. We need to default, "they are listening" to hold us to the utmost accountability for the words we choose. They won't hear it all but we never really know when they are completely dialed in. Lesson, we need to talk to our children. We must not assume they know are values, we must share them. Don't assume they don't care, they care in away that is almost impossible for them to communicate! Lastly, speak lovingly with the expectation that it is the most important message we can deliver!

Balancing Act!

Remember the old-fashioned TV variety shows? One in particular had a man who spun plates on flexible poles. He would start one spinning, then another, another..then one would begin to fall and he would run back and spin it again and keep adding plates to poles as long as he could. I remember being truly entertained! (Guess it didn't take much!) Balancing "LIFE" is even more difficult. As a father it has always been important to me to make the concept of balance a major priority for my children. This has been successful to varying degrees, but remains a major focus of my parenting scheme!  It began as a simple transition when dropping Sean (my oldest) off at school. I wanted him to do his best academically, socially and individually. The only phrase that worked for me was "work hard, play hard". At the time I wasn't sure if it would sink in. Nonetheless, I continued using the phrase with Sean, Ryne, and Aubrey (kids 2 and 3) and will use it again with Jacob and Joshua (kids 4 and 5). How do we know if it is sinking in?  I wasn't even thinking about that when I first uttered the words. Then Sean started writing college application essays. He did not need my help but he used my words. He titled an essay...wait for it..."Work Hard, Play Hard". He explained how it had resonated with him and how he thought it would play forward as a college level student! I had no idea he had ever thought about it beyond the fact that it was how we left each other early on school day mornings. I believe that for him and my other children this has become a mantra of BALANCE!  Do your best in all areas..WITHOUT DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY!  Find your own mantra, teach it to your children with the confidence that it will guide them even when you can't say it to them directly. As we get older it turns around as sage advise for our own lives. Age with the concept of work hard. play hard and reap the benefits of a harmonious. productive lifestyle!

I Need a Hero!

Today the term hero is overused and misunderstood!  It is my belief that a hero is somebody who does something above and beyond the call of duty for an individual specifically. As a child I claimed Roberto Clemente as a hero. Don't get me wrong, he was heroic to many and is admirable for sure. But, in reality, as i reflect, he was not really a hero to me, he was just the best baseball player I had ever seen!  My heroes, looking back were actually few in number. My father Gary has and always be a hero to me. That is not to slight my mom or any other family member, but truth be told he was my only true hero. He could not always be where I was however, so there were times when I counted on a "situational hero" based on the above definition.  As a 6 year old (I am estimating my age at this point) mu Uncle took me to Adler Pool, the local swimming hang out! Not only was I a bad swimmer but big kids scared me and there were only big kids there that day.  As Pavlov's dogs would have it, when I swim, I pee!  I left the pool to go to the showers, assumed the position, and did my business. In the way out 3 older boys thought it hilarious to make fun of my underwear. Honestly, they very well could have been worthy of ridicule. But, that day I was humiliated. Went back to the pool where my Uncle Joe could tell I was affected. He asked me what happened and embarrassed, I told him. "Follow me", he insisted. Nervous I walked with him back to the locker area. "It was them, wasn't it?"  I told him it was.  I thought he must be crazy, there were 3 of them. But something happened.  He walked within arms distance of all 3. He said, " Obviously you did not know this was my nephew or you would have never done this!"  The quickly apologized to him first then explained to me that they didn't know I was Joe's nephew and quickly left the showers.  Joe said, "let's go swim."  We did!  I don't know what it was about him and don't really care. That day, that moment I needed a "father figure" and he played that role wonderfully. He stood up to bullies, made me feel safe, and definitely went above and beyond the call of duty.  As an adult I realize that I have 2 heroes...my dad, and Jesus Christ.  But, I will never forget that on that day my uncle was a hero to me. I hope that in working with thousands of children over the last 25 years I may have been a "situational hero" for some youngster.  I challenge all of you to be that hero to somebody, every day!  Never be a bystander, be an upstander. Know that we make choices every single day in how we approach the children in our community.  You never know when one of them is counting  on you to be heroic!

Just a Sentence

Sometimes Nicole and I argue. I guess that makes us like every other married couple. It drives us crazy, the kids crazy because it is usually one of us just "out-stubborning" the other!  However, as a father, husband, and a person who has always believed in "holding up a mirror" before blaming others, I tend to be very reflective.  Nicole would definitely say that I am over reflective as I "never let anything go"! She is right! As a former math teacher (yes, I will blame this on math) I always need to know "why" something goes the way it does.  I say it is to avoid repeating those things in the future. My dad said it drove him crazy as well!  Hard-wired by God, my heavenly Father, I have had to learn to deal with my driving those I love the most crazy!  Anyway, as I reflected on a recent argument, I had a revelation. I was explaining to Nicole, during our little spat, that I have been trying very hard to be sure, through words, that she knew how beautiful I think she is.  She is unbelievably beautiful and I was definitely trying hard to be sure she knew that!  She said, "Those are just sentences." Not gonna lie, that hit me hard at first. But, upon further review it gave me affirmation on the following perspective.  The combination of words I chose to tell her how beautiful she is are, in fact, just sentences. In  the big picture, that can hold true on anything we say to others we love.  What I want to suggest is simple.  Unsaid, the chosen words say nothing at all and that is, as my good friend Jim Higley says in his upcoming book,"Bobblehead Dad, 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I knew", is 'the worst thing to say'.  It is far more important to share with loved ones all that make us love them than to say nothing at all!  I hold on to the sentences from my children. parent, friends, family, and my wife that affirm the reasons they have for loving me. I will never forget them (course I do have trouble letting things go!)  Nicole, I am sorry for the stupidity of some of our "to-dos" but I will never stop telling you that you are beautiful!  I love you.

Inaugural post

Being new to the blogosphere, I post with excitement, hesitation, and determination!  The idea of blogging has been in my head for quite awhile, along with the thought "who would really want to read my thoughts".  But, thanks to my cousin-in-law, Kaitlin Mahoney, my love for Jesus Christ, my wife and 5 children, and my own father (and mother) I am inspired to share my experiences, thoughts and beliefs. Hopefully there will be something for everyone...humor, emotion, insight, and "ahas"!!!! I will use this first post as an intro only, and will add content frequently!  Please feel free to comment, share your own stories, and create along with me!  Talk to you soon!