Are You a Rule Follower? (How about your own rules??)

Apologies to my dad (who by the way has a birthday tomorrow!) as I am going to do my best to recall an event from long ago to the best of my ability. It is a warm weekend in Lake County, Illinois. I am somewhere between 5-8 years old. My dad is outside painting the house and I wanna help!! So, puffy chested, I walk outside and ask if I can help!  I am so excited when he responds, "Yes!".  The excitement wanes quickly when he tells me that I can go get him a rag from the garage so the he can clean up any unwanted drips.  I am obviously overqualified!  I want to help with the actual painting not schlep to the garage to fetch a rag!!  I dutifully retrieve the rag and then angrily walk back into the house before the indignation continues!! All kidding aside, I was ticked and to this day I remember that feeling. However, along the way, I did learn a few things. First, it really was a big help to him as he was on a roll and to not have to stop, get off the ladder, get the rag and go back up saved him valuable time. Second, I learned that if and when you ask someone if they need help, you have to be prepared to help then in the way they truly need to be helped, not necessarily the way you hoped to help them!

You see, helping someone should not be about the helper but about the "helpee"!!  This is true in the workplace, with a spouse, and even with your own children. I have been affected by this in both the helper role and the helpee role. I have been working with children as an educator for over 25 years, in addition I have 5 children of my own. As a teacher, I have offered to help many students and colleagues.  The intention is always good, the results not always great! Looking back, when I was truly helpful I asked "how can I help you?" rather than, "Here, let me show you!".  I have made the same error at times with my own children and my wife too.  The reality is we often use our own assumptions or history to define the manner in which SOMEONE else needs our help. You can get into big trouble relationally if you put a lot of effort into helping a loved one based on those assumptions rather than trustingly asking them what you can do to help. 

Recently I discovered that I had fallen prey to this trap with someone very important to me. Based on my own beliefs, and assumptions I spent 3 years trying to help a loved one and grew increasingly disappointed and resentful when my help was dismissed or less than life changing. Then, in a calm moment, more due to the frustration than intelligence, I asked that person to tell me what they needed to make things better.  The response spun me around like a revolving door on steroids. At the same time, things became very clear, My "helping" was causing extreme harm! It was having the reverse effect even though the intentions were still good. I had deepened a problem I was trying to resolve due to the horse blinders I had put on myself!   Fortunately, the blinders were completely discarded the moment I put the focus where it should have been! I gave that person a chance to LET ma be a help in the manner they most definitely needed. I am thrilled that I now have the chance to do what I wanted to do from the start, truly make a difference!

It is common sense, yet so easy to mess up. The golden rule here is to remember that if you are really interested in being helpful in any situation with anybody, take the moment to simply ask, "How can I help"?  If you don't ask yourself, "Is it more about helping me get what I want than helping the other get what they need?"

God bless and Happy Birthday Dad!